Upon reflecting on the blog of my love and colleague Mr. Sarah Bellum Nielson, I have felt a spark of self-examination alight within my large intestine.
She has claimed to be dating a piece of Chocolate Cake. We gather, by her illustrious detail, that it contains raspberries, and as it commonly goes to parties, we may infer by deduction that it is, in fact, a Birthday cake. Appalled that another has wedged his member between I and Mrs. Nielson's affections, I hunted it down.
I have found it. It belonged, once, to a woman by the name of Taste Goblet, then proceeded to enrich the lives of "Lavanyai" and "Mohina" (see its tattoos) before finally dripping down into the rut in which our fair friend lives.
Jealousy fills my bones, as this cake-whore is allowed to delight in the company of Bellum and Daisy, while I, a cake-virgin until death (albeit not, persay, a pie-virgin) must wait in line!
I apologize. My frustration regarding this instant is rude and uncalled for, and I pray for this Non-Troll Cake and others like it to forgive the janglings of an old lovelorn, crusty-piped sailor such as myself. Each to his/her/cake's own, as the saying goes, and thus go I.